Friend Profiles: Daniel Parnell
So Dave (David/Hoggy), I hear you cry, you’ve never told me that there story of how you met that Dan guy. Have I not!? I reply, I can only apologise and provide you with this here slightly embellished tale of friendship, drunkeness and shopping trolleys:
I knew Dan, everyone knew Dan. But I didn’t KNOW Dan. I knew his face. I knew he went to the same highschool. I knew he once killed and ate his own cat. I knew that the latter was a lie, but goshdarnit that just made him cooler…
The man. The legend. The cat eater.
It wasn’t until I found myself thrust into the fast lane of fast food that I would encounter the famed feline consumer for the first time face to face. My first impression of Daniel in all honesty was a bit of a let down…
“I like Eddie Izzard, apart from the fact that he wears nail varnish. Weird Gay.” Cue me hiding my decorated cuticles and walking away; all of a sudden finding my feet extraordinarily fascinating. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that we would be thrust together again.
It was a cold day and I was walking the long and perilous half hour journey to work at 6am when a stranger pulled up in a white car. Now I have been brought up well so promptly ignored such a brazen attempted kidnapping. However the stranger was so adamant I was to get in his car that I admired his commitment and did so.It just so happens this stranger was Dan and had been offering me a lift to work. Lucky eh?
My first proper shift at little chef consisted of me and Dan going through all the newspapers and removing and taking advantage of the free scratch cards concealed within. It was a friendship made in some sort of heaven.
The beginnings of the 105 straw long megastraw
The years passed quickly and fuelled by Little Chef misbehaving and word games or friendship blossomed into a carnation of awesomeness. It wasn’t until Dan and myself had left little Chef, he for a kitchen, me for a classroom, that we had our first true adventure….
It was another cold night and young Daniel was at my house. Prison Break had just finished and it had been a doozy. (It had clearly been one of the earlier seasons, before michael decided he had a spare 20 minutes to have ALL of his EXTENSIVE tattoos REMOVED with no visible scarring whatsoever.) Dan was so amped up on Sucre’s antics that he uttered a sentence that would become synonymous with drunken nights in Wisbech.
“I want duck.”
And so cans/bottles in hand (and some in reserve) we stumbled our way to tesco’s. As we were so thorough(ly drunk) and wanted to see everything along the way (/got distracted by a playground) the 45 minute journey took us around 3 hours. This journey would be repeated many many times.
Who took this?
“PULL OVER YOUR VEHICLE” I look at Dan panicked. He looks back at me scarily nonchalant. “We can out run him Hoggy, put your foot down lets get out of here.” Thankfully I pay no heed to Daniels drunken tomfoolery and pull the Safeways trolley to the side of the road. “So who’s idea was this?” The policeman asks, trying hard to hide a smirk. Me and Dan look at each other. “I’m pretty certain it was the trolleys idea….” The smirk emerges triumphant.
After narrowly avoiding life in prison we try to contain our drunken adventures to the inside world. Entertaining ourselves with such fantastic devices as cheap etch-a-sketch ripoffs and a digital camera. These evenings continued unabated until I muttered a word other than “Duck”.
“Australia”
So over the coming months we plan our trip to the other side of the world. And lo and behold after a nine hour flight, a 16 hour coach ride and a 2 hour monsoon ridden speedboat journey we find ourselves only halfway to Australia, but we were well on our way. We were on
...
the island of Ko Lipe on the Malaysian border. And it was fantastic. One particularly memorable morning consisted of my waking and staggering hungover to the bathroom. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thinking “Oh, I seem to have lost my hair somewhere”
Eventually we find ourselves in Australia. And have a wonderful few months of Goon, Coon, Pasta, BBQ sauce, ill advised romantic encounters and fake moustaches. But alas all stories must have an ending. And this, unfortunately, was ours. As we separated to travel the world in our own ways a single tear ran down our cheeks.
I knew Dan, everyone knew Dan. But I KNEW Dan. I knew what he talked about on swings. I knew he loved upwords and scrabble equally. I knew he could beat me at both. I knew (graphically) he thought amy from Sonic was a wh*re. I knew he loved his best friend more than bowling for soup (not in a gay way). I knew he was a brilliant crimper. I knew he had a dog not a cat and it remains uneaten till this day. I knew way too much about things below his waist. I once knew him a bit too well in a disabled toilet (not in a gay way). I knew he played GTA in a horribly annoying way. I knew what it was like to star in a film.
But most of all I knew this wasn’t the end.
Our heroes walk off into the night...
I NEARLY DIED!
Everyone says that a near death experience really changes the way you look at your life. Makes you savour the little things and enjoy the things that really matter. After being locked out of my house and having to survive in my garden for goodness knows how long I can tell you they’re correct.
I share my ordeal only so that you, the reader, can share in the feeling without the terror that I had to endure:
It all started when I finished work. I braved the untold dangers of the 6 minute journey home. This included the menacing motorway madness and the dreadful dog OF DOOM*. On approaching the house I was accosted by a strange but powerful beast.
This is the only recorded picture of the beast...
She was easily subdued however with the promise of entrance to the aforementioned abode. She pranced, nay, stomped , nay, STAMPEDED her way to the rear passage and awaited entrance. As I pulled upon the handle the elation I had received from taming such a proud lioness faded and turned to dread as I realised the lock upon the door had been cursed! It could only be opened by the one true tamer of beasts.
SUDDENLY the monster turned on me and let forth such a horrible wail my knees turned to rice pudding. I retreated to a safe distance and settled upon a table shaped object to plan my next step. When I turned, the furry demon had vanished! Not believing my luck I returned to the rear of the house and checked the window. But to no avail. This place was sealed up more than a jar of jam I have to get Kirsty to open for me!
I retreated yet again to my sanctuary. It was getting cold. I started to doubt that I was going to survive. And all of a sudden, as I was giving in to my innermost fears the creature pounced! AND…….. DUN DUN DUUUUN… settled down snuggly on my lap. This proud queen of beasts was sharing her warmth with me. I almost wept.
Many hours later I came to. I was getting hungry. The only things I could forage from my surroundings were various herbs and a large receptacle of very potent moonshine. Just as things were getting dicey and I was considering skinning my newly acquired companion, making a hat, and, using the moonshine and herbs as a marinade, make some sort of monster casserole, I heard a rumbling from the front of the castle.**
In my delirium I think I saw an angel open the passageway door and bring me to safety. Laying me upon the sofa and feeding me pizza to get my strength up.
This is the reason I am with you today, I hope this has helped you come to terms with your mortality as It has me with mine.
(If you don’t forward this to 1000 people you will get chicken pox)
Goodnight and sleep well
x
* alliteration is your friend
** I was delirious by this point
I’m losing faith in the film industry
And I’m not even referring to the horribleness that is 3D. I’m on about this:
Comeoooooooooooooooooon! I can tolerate the bizillion comic book remakes and reboots and blahblahblah because things explode and people fly but YOGI BEAR! That’s as bad as if they were to make a smurfs film*! Why can’t film companies come up with new ideas? That’s how people used to do it back in the day. Everythign seems to be a remake or a sequel or a prequel nowadays. Although this is not as bad as ‘Reboots’ which translates to “It’s to early to do a remake so we’ll call it a reboot and do exactly the same story with different actors”.
For any of you just think I’m ranting with no evidence I provide you with this. It’s only been ten years since the first! And four years since the last. I’ve had enough.
I’m only angry ‘cos I’ll pay to see them all…
Tata
An uplifting poem
There once was a giant named bert
Everyone knew he was a bit of a flirt
All day long he’d stamp and he’d stomp
All over the countryside seeking a romp
He crushed farmers, tractors and a child and his mother
While he stamped and he stomped in his search for another
He’d look and he’d look upon every shelf
But Bert never found anyone as big as himself
One day when bert was about to give up
He saw on the floor a cute giant pup
Out walking the dog was a giant named Dave
Bert smiled a coy smile and gave a shy wave
As the sun set on the smashed country town
Bert and Dave stomped away without the hint of a frown
Found this when looking through my wall to wall with Becca. Seemed to fit the current trend…
A Cautionary Poem
Once upon a time there was an elf,
Oh and this elf, he wasn’t fond of him self.
He drank and he smoked too much,
He’d get drunk and pass out in someone’s hutch.
People would think him a really ugly rabbit,
This happened so often that it became quite a habit.
So much so in fact our elf developed a complex,
He’d hop and he’d hop and he’d chew on lettuce.
Rabbits don’t drink or smoke so this saved his life,
He settled in his own burrow and found a rabbit wife.
He raised half elf half rabbit abominations,
I wont describe them that would be too much information..s.
But this horrible mutated family lived happily ever after,
With lots of joy and lafter.
The moral of this story being that if you ever loathe yourself
don’t be too sad,
It could be a lot worse, you’re not an elf that thinks it’s a rabbit,
so it’s not all that bad.
Dunchefin…I wish :(
Yes, the rumours are true, I am back working at Little Thief. And they have new hand books! God I was excited and whipped it out of my co workers hands as quick as possible. I have to tell you I was captivated with the complete and utter rollocks contained within. Especially the last page entitled: SOCIAL NETWORKING.
This section contained instructions that informed me I wasn’t allowed to under any circumstances discuss anything derogatory about little chef on websites such as Facebook, Twitter, Bebo, Myspace, BLOGS etc for fear of losing my job. I’d just like to say (Sensitive readers and family turn away now, I shall not be using censorship for the following comment, you’ve been warned) FUCK YOU LITTLE CHEF! Reading this Charlie? You’ll have to fire me before you take away my right to free slander.
In celebration of my new rebellion I would like to revisit some of the photo’s from previous Little Chef employment:
This is when we gave the milk machine udders to make it more...bovine.
This is when, using just some household objects, we made the milk machine more...human.
This is a competition me and Dan had to make the worst three course meal possible. My half raw fish finger cocktail (featured bottom left) nearly made Dan vomit so I reckon I won.
A delectable cocktail we made, warning may (does) contain batteries.
I made egg protectors...
They didn't work...
WHAT'S THAT SAT ON THE TABLE? IT'S LITTLE CHEF MAN!
...and his Arch Nemesis LITTLE IMP!
...
The xbox incorporated under the counter 
The start of a straw we constructed from 105 straws that reached from the office to front of house and worked as well as a badger police officer would.
So here you have it.
God I hate Little Chef…
Peace out.
Films
I get asked all the time (once by kirsty) what my top ten favourite films are and constantly get shouted at (once by kirsty) for not being able to decided there and then. Since the last (only) time I’ve been giving it some serious thought and have come up with ten films in no particular order, I’m not saying their my top ten favourite films, just ten films I really like. If you haven’t seen them consider them recommendations, if you haven’t heard of them consider that a strong recommendation:
Three and Out: Unfortunately my only british film in the ten. Took me ages to get around to watch this film. Saw the original trailer 2 years ago then promptly forgot about it. Found and watched it the other day in Pete’s DVD collection and I loved it 
Gemma Arterton isn’t even a terrible actress in it, as pete pointed out you can’t say she’s a good one but she’s know where near as god awfully *** ***** *** ****y as she is in prince o persia. Paul Callow and Colm Meaney more than make up for it though
Walking Tall: Yes I love pointless action movies. Yes I love the Rock, nothing makes me happier than seeing him cock that eyebrow and rock bottom a stereotypical bad guy through some kind of flimsy wood. Yes I love Walking Tall for all of the above reasons. All of the above reasons AND JOHNNY KNOXVILLE!
It’s probably terribly written, directed and acted BUT I DON’T CARE. Definitely one of the most watched DVD’s in my collection. End of.
The Dark Knight: I’d like to go on record as saying I HATED Batman Begins, it drags on from beginning to end and the bad guy is a therapist WITH A SACK ON HIS HEAD. It just bored me. However I know I’m obviously not the only one who loves the dark knight. I love heath Ledger, from a knights tale to lords of dogtown and this is undeniably his best performance ever, if not the best performance of anyone ever.
Little Shop of Horrors: The best musical ever I remember the first time I saw this when my friend asked me if I want to see ‘A plant that swears’ (Thank you Mr Plunkett). I remember the second time I saw this when someone snuck me into the room so I could watch the end which I’d missed the first time without Mum knowing (Thanks Sis). I have the sound track, I have the film. Watch it
Memento: I don’t want to ruin this one for people that haven’t seen it. And I have no doubt everyone that has seen it will agree that it’s brilliant. It’s filmed excellently, written brilliantly and acted even better
Man On Fire: Even people that don’t like action films will like this film, I have proved that again and again. People who like action films will LOVE this film. It’s so good it never fails to bring a tear every time I watch it. Explosions, Guns, Christopher Walken, what could go wrong?
The Big Empty: Jon Favreau, Joey Lauren Adams, Kelsey Grammer, Daryl Hannah, Racheal Leigh Cook, Sean Bean, yet I bet ANYONE reading this hasn’t seen it (Even you Mark Fell). I love this film, it’s not fair to say I don’t know why, I do know why, I just can’t put it into words that make any sense. CirclebowlingdesertJDwhippedcreamsideboobchainsawsuitcasesock. See what happens if I try?
District 9: the only film I’ve EVER chosen to watch at the cinema twice. This film actually convinced me this was going on in South Africa. Brilliant everything. Not for the squeamish though, my dad’s wife informed me of said fact.
The Boondock Saints: Jane Hawkins recommended this film to me and forced me to borrow it. I put off watching it for ages as the cover made it look awful, how wrong I was, an easy shoo in for my definite top ten. A top notch vigilante style film, and although the sequel would be nowhere near my top 20 it’s worth a watch after this one. With this misjudgement I lost the right to argue with Jane about anything ever, people that know her can appreciate how scary a prospect that is.
I’m actually one short of my ten promised movies, let me just consult my dvd pile…
Crank: See ‘walking tall’ but replace ‘Rock’ with ‘Jason Statham’, ‘eyebrow’ with ‘shotgun’, ‘rock bottom’ with ‘blast’, ‘some flimsy bit of wood’ with ‘THE WHOLE MOVIE’ and ‘JOHNNY KNOXVILLE’ with ‘EVERYTHING ELSE’.
So there you go, I’m sure y’all (Kirsty) are much happier and content in your life now.
Ciao.
Hobomoments.com
So yeah, I’m now the proud owner of a domain name, and a nice new wordpress blog. Both thanks to the wonderful Tim Timmington who’s blog I cannot recommend enough, the man should be writing as a job. The formatting of my first post was a bit squewhiffed when it was transferred over, so sorry about that, can’t fix it no idea why.
I’ve not got many other updates :/ I can just about walk again, that’s nice…
For no apparent reason here's me on Ko Lipe the day after having my head shaved for the first time.
Buhbye
Owy :(
I don’t like football for so many reasons, here are three:
1) I get paid A LOT less than even the poorest players and if I got a paper cut at work and fell on the floor screaming I think I’d get fired, or at least made fun of. With the (ridiculous) amount of money they get paid they should be expected to take a bit of damage. Danger pay if you will… I’d let someone kick me in the shin for £90,000 a week, I’d even shake their hand afterwards. award free kicks if the player is too injured to carry on, problem solved.
2) You can watch men running up and down on a pitch for a minimum of 90 minutes and NOTHING could happen. That would NEVER happen in games like Aussie Rules, yes you have no idea what’s going on but you’re excited that you don’t throughout.
3) When playing in the park it dislocates my knee :’(
Yes, I went through all that ranting just to inform you I dislocated my knee today. Stupid handicapped (kneeicapped?) knees. It’s happened a lot over the course of the last 10ish years but it hasn’t happened for ages. I’m hobbling everywhere and Peter keeps making fun of me and pointing out how well his knees work.
Anyways, catch up time again. The topic of today’s catch up blog:
I love Brighton. Every time I go I have a fantastic time, be it hiding from humongous dog eating seagulls, drinking in one of the many seaside pubs or sitting with Grace doing very little…
I did all of these things and more when I went with the lovely Miss Becci Barnard (pictured here in all her webcam glory) to see the equally lovely Miss Grace Harris in my beloved Brighton.
It would be amiss for me to not mention that these too lovely girls paid for my train fare to Brighton and I love them lots and lots.
I want to live in Brighton, I very well may in the near future, sooner if I don’t get this teaching job. We had subway, we made new friends, we looked through drawers, we played a fantastic hat drinking game, we riddled away the night, we watched animated dragons, Grace got posessed and we learnt how to cat massage*. All in all a fantastic few days with two of the best friends possible.
All done for now I think…
Auf wiedersehn
*If you would like to learn Cat Massage too feel free: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnZhi5gaX8g